


To Keep You Safe

by TheIronMechanic



Series: Pepperony, Pepperony and more Pepperony [8]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Miscarriage, Miscommunication, Pepperony - Freeform, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:47:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29002455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIronMechanic/pseuds/TheIronMechanic
Summary: “I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve you. Because as happy as you being pregnant makes me, it makes me even more afraid that you are having my kid. And I don’t want you to get hurt because of it, not you nor the baby. Because I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Because in a way, it’s what’s best for you.”ORMy really AU take on their breakup during Civil War. Pepper is pregnant, Tony is not exactly sure of himself because things don't always work out the way they want.
Relationships: Pepper Potts/Tony Stark
Series: Pepperony, Pepperony and more Pepperony [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1716382
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo boys and girls, this is my AU take on what happened between Tony and Pepper that made them break up before Civil War. The story is fully written, so I'll post regularly.
> 
> As always, English is not my first language, so all mistakes are mine.

It’s never been an easy thing to figure out. Relationships. At least for Tony. Being perfectly honest, he never thought he would _actually_ _be_ in one, much less feel what he feels right now.

Sometimes it’s great to have someone by his side, who loves and supports him, who stays up some nights just watching him tinker, keeping him company. Someone who cares for him to the point of thinking of him before themselves, who doesn’t complain when he does something stupid because they know it wouldn’t change a thing, because that’s who he is.

To an extent he knows that’s love. That that’s what Pepper feels for him, and he doesn’t question it, as bizarre as it sounds to him.

_Why_ , you ask? Because it’s _him_. Because he knows how he is, how he acts. He knows that he’s not there for her when she needs him sometimes. He _tries to_ , of course. But it’s never enough. Because as much as he hates to admit it, he’s chosen the world over her too many times, and even though Pepper keeps repeating ‘ _It’s okay Tony, it was the wisest decision. You did good_ ’, he knows he did not in fact ‘ _did good_ ’.

He used to stay up at night on his lab, wondering how she could put up with him and his antics. Surely she deserved so much more than him, right? Someone more stable, more showing of their love, someone who isn’t afraid of telling her how much they love her every day. Because that’s not _him_.

He feels as if that’s not necessary. She loves him, he loves her. It’s clear, isn’t it? He doesn’t need to verbalize it, he just needs to show it. And even though he’s not one for grand gestures of love, he does the best he can. Because late-night dinners eating pizza and watching her favorite movie count, right? _Right?_

Well, it has to, because otherwise he fears he would have nothing to offer. And that’s not an option. Not right now.

Right now he needs to grow up. He needs to own up to his ‘ _mistake_ ’ -if you can call it that- and face the music. He knows he’s changed drastically since Afghanistan, and he’s somehow grateful for it, because otherwise he knows he wouldn’t have had a chance with Pepper.

But growing isn’t done overnight. He knows that. Pepper knows that. _Hell,_ everyone knows that. But in this situation he feels like he needs to do just that. And as much as it pains him to say it, he’s _not ready_.

Pepper’s news hit him like a truck when he wasn’t looking. He was not expecting it. Not now and definitely not then. And he’s not proud of what he did. He’s not proud of what his brain told him to do. And he needs to make amends.

He’s used to Pepper forgiving him for all his stupid and crazy shenanigans. Somehow he feels as if she was trained to take it all, not affecting her as much as it should. And maybe it’s because after almost 20 years she’s more than used to it, but he’s still mesmerized by her relentlessness.

The difference from those times and now, it’s that in this occasion, even _he_ knows that he seriously _fucked up_. And that’s what worries him. He used to live with the pretense that no matter how crazy he acted, Pepper wouldn’t leave his side. But he’s not so sure about that anymore.

All those thoughts keep crossing his mind as he walks to her office. He tried calling her phone, but she of course wouldn’t pick up. Didn’t even let it go to voicemail. Which he’s grateful for, because he tends to ramble, and as cute as she thinks his ramblings are, he knows it’s not the time.

The moment he sees her office in the distance, his body stiffens as he walks. Too afraid to fuck up even more. But even though inside he’s screeching, his outside looks more confident than ever.

“Mr. Stark, I’m afraid I’ve got direct orders from Ms. Potts to not let you in.” In other circumstances, he would’ve bursted. But he knows Bambi, how she follows Pep’s every command. And if her grimace is any indication, the order is making her as uncomfortable as him.

“I’m sure you do Bambi, but I really need to see her.” Somehow he sees a sparkle of hope in the older woman’s eyes, but as fast as it appeared, it went away.

“I’m really sorry Mr. Stark, but I really can’t let you through.” It’s not the first time he’s heard those words, in fact he’s entered this office unannounced more times than not.

“Bambi. I’m begging you, I need to talk to Pep. I seriously fucked up and I know she doesn’t want to talk to me, not even see me, but I need to fix it. And if you keep locking me out, I will never be able to.” He thinks that might be enough. Bambi’s not a cold hearted woman -even though she for sure acts like it sometimes- but even she needs a little push. “Please Bambi, I beg you. This might be my only chance.” He’s not one to beg, but under these circumstances, he makes an exception. He _really is_ desperate.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark-“ ‘U _gh, screw it’_ is the first thought that comes to mind as he walks straight past her and opens the office doors. “Mr. Stark! I told you you couldn’t come in!” As she tries to come in after him, he turns around with an apologetic smile and starts closing the doors slowly.

“Sorry, Bambi. I need to do this. You understand, right? Ms. Potts will be okay.” Once the doors close, he rests his forehead on them, exhaling and inhaling slowly, trying to calm his nerves. When his breathing goes back to normal, he turns around.

To be honest, he expected her to grab him by the lapels of his suit jacket and throw him out of the room with zero remorse. But he might be lucky this time, because her eyes are still glued to her computer screen when he walks towards her desk.

The scene brings back too many memories that are better not remembered, but that somehow still live in his head, reminding him how much of a jackass he was, is and probably will keep being. Luckily this time he didn’t bring any strawberries, he’s learned _that_ lesson at least.

“I’m sorry-“

“Let me stop you right there.” Putting a finger in the air, gaze still focused on the screen, Pepper makes him stop on his feet, his hand grabbing the back of one of the chairs. He stares at the woman, because as angry as she is and looks, he thinks she’s never looked more beautiful. But the moment her eyes lock with his, his brain focuses. “Just, what do you think you are doing, Tony? I gave Bambi straight orders to not let you in, why do you think that is?” Knowing that the conversation won’t exactly be _short_ , Tony finally sits on the other side of her desk.

“You and I both know that’s never worked before.”

“Well, you and I both know the situation has never been like _this_ before, don’t we?” She says crossing her arms, something that makes him even more nervous than before, if that’s even possible.

“Look, Pepper. You know why I came here. I was an asshole, even more so than usual, and that’s on me. That goes without saying. I’m really sorry about how I reacted, it’s just that at that moment I wasn’t ready to get those news and-“

“And now you are, right? A few hours ago I told you the biggest news I’ve ever received and you left me _hanging_. You ran away. You didn’t say a word, just walked away, like it was nothing, like-“

“It’s not nothing, Pepper! It’s _not_.” He tries to clarify as he sees her watery eyes. “It’s just-“ he sights and runs both hands over his face, trying to come up with the right words to say. “It’s just hard for me. You know me Pep, you know I don’t face my actions or their consequences, especially when it’s about feelings. This is a big step, not just for me, but for both of us. And I fear I’m not ready at all. Like I’m not the person you should be delivering these news to.” He reaches across the table and grabs her hands, trying to convey his emotions, to try and let her know how much it meant to him. “I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve _you_. I’m irresponsible, selfish, egotistical and sometimes, a maniac. I’m not good for you, Pepper. I’ve never been. The fact that you’ve put up with me for so long, still mesmerizes me. No one is been able to, not even my parents. But you? You are still by my side after all these years, my rock and I still feel like I don’t deserve it. Because you deserve better. Because as happy as you being pregnant makes me, it makes me even _more afraid_ that you are having _my_ kid. Because doing that comes with a lot of consequences. Too many to even count. And I don’t want you to get hurt because of it, not you nor the baby. Because I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I _wouldn’t._ And _that’s_ why I ran, because my head was telling me to get out, to disappear. Because in a way, it’s what’s best for you.”

“You don’t get to choose what’s ‘ _best for me_ ’ Tony. I’m a grown woman who chooses who gets her pregnant and who doesn’t. Do you think I would’ve been so reckless about protection if I didn’t want to get pregnant with your baby? That I would’ve let you have sex with me without a condom if I though you wouldn’t be enough for me? I’m not _that_ stupid Tony and you know it. I know how scary it is for you, but it’s not a walk in the park for me either, okay? I’m the one who’s pregnant here, who has to deal with the physical consequences of you forgetting to put on a condom. I’m the one who has to make a decision on whether I carry a child in my belly for 9 months or not. I know what I’m doing Tony. I know what I want. But if you don’t want the same, then I guess we won’t agree on something _yet again_.”

He bites his lip as he looks at her, not knowing what to say. Pepper, seeing no response from the man, lets her hand go from his grasp and stands up, picking up some documents from over her table. She expects him to grab her by the arm as she slowly walks past him, but he sits still on his chair. Giving up, she starts to walk faster, but just as she is about to reach the door, his voice makes her stop in her tracks.

“You really wanted to have children with me? You really-? It _wasn’t_ an accident?” When Pepper turns around, she sees him looking straight at her, eyes red, either from crying or pure stress, she really doesn’t know. Still, she feels compelled to walk back to him, running a hand through his hair.

“It was an accident, Tony. Just not one I’m not happy with.” Seeing him so confused, makes her kneel before him, grabbing one of his hands, the other caressing his face. “You need to give yourself more credit, honey. I love you for who you are. Always have. I knew what I was getting into from day one, but I still chose to do it. Same as with this. Those days where you forgot to put on protection, I knew there was a small chance this would happen, because even though I took my birth control, it wasn’t 100% effective. But it was okay, because it was _you_.” Right then, Tony let out a single tear, one she didn’t let run past any further than his cheek. “Because I trust you.”

“You shouldn’t” He softly whispers. “I’m not parent material.”

“And who is, sweetheart? I definitely am not. I’m an order freak, I’m overworked and stressed. If I keep this up, I won’t have time for the baby. But sometimes sacrifices are meant to be made. Sometimes you need to change in order for things to happen. But those changes will happen naturally, you just need to put a bit of effort. And I know you will. Won’t you?”

His eyes didn’t leave hers for the whole speech, same as her hand didn’t stop caressing his face and cleaning his tears. And when he nodded she couldn’t help but kiss him, pouring all her feelings, something she knows he was doing too.

“What did I ever do to deserve you, huh?” He chokes on a watery laugh as he kisses her another time.

“I really don’t know, but I’m glad. Because even though you aren’t sure of it, I know you’ll be a great dad.”

“I’ll try my best, that’s for sure. It’s what both of you deserve.” With one last kiss, Pepper gets up.

“I’ll see you back at home, okay? And when I come back I better find a pizza on the counter, because I somehow really want to watch Pride and Prejudice tonight. Deal?” Smiling, he gets up and leaves a soft kiss on her forehead.

“Deal, Ms. Potts. I won’t let you down.”

Truth be told, he _did_ let her down, just not that exact day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, English is not my first language, so all mistakes are mine.

It was an accident. He was trying to protect her and the baby. He always seemed to be doing that these days. He didn’t mean for things to go south, he just saw an opportunity to make something that would keep -not only them but the whole world- safe. But it backfired.

He thought he had it all under control, that if he was the best at designing AIs, Ultron wouldn’t be anything but a nice challenge. But he was wrong, and he had no fear admitting it. He was wrong on the fact that it was easy, but he still stood by his opinion on keeping everyone safe with his idea.

Ultron was supposed to be the _‘suit of armor around the world_ ’ as he himself so cleverly put it. He had it all planed for years. He saw an opportunity and took it, who could blame him? He had no idea it would go _so wrong_. He didn’t know it would cost him _so much_.

The news of him almost dying _again_ didn’t sit well with Pepper. Ever since he became Iron Man,even more so since they finally started dating, she kept telling him that he should be more careful, that the answer to every problem wasn’t him sacrificing himself for everyone else, that there was always another way. But his brain didn’t seem to process it.

It’s easy to say that when you look at it from the outside. It’s like participating on a game show, everything is easier when you are responding to the questions at home, but once you set foot on the actual stage, your ideas and guesses are limited by the stress and the situation around you.

It’s not like he willingly tries to sacrifice himself to save the day, it’s just that sometimes he doesn’t see any other way out. And if that makes him stupid, so be it, because he wouldn’t do it any other way. Sure, maybe looking back at it, there could’ve been another safe and more effective way of dealing with the whole Sokovia fiasco, but at that moment, those possibilities weren’t plausible.

“You almost died _again_ , Tony! You keep doing this! It’s like a never-ending story with you! I get that you need to be Iron Man, but Iron Man is not a sacrificing machine!” She was furious, her face red from the anger, and the hormones made it even worse.

“Pepper, I’m sorry, okay? But you need-“ As he approaches her to grab her hand and lead her to the nearest chair to sit down, she backs away.

“You always do this, Tony. You almost kill yourself and come back here asking for forgiveness. The damage is already done. The worry is here already. The fear of losing you is here already. And I know that’s never going to go away because you are who you are, but saying sorry isn’t going to do anything.”

“I know that, and I’m so- I mean, what else do you want me to say? That I won’t do it again? Because we both know I’m going to do it again, willingly or unwillingly. Like you said, it’s who I am.” Instead of calming her down, his answer just makes her blood boil with rage even more.

“But that’s because you don’t even try! You never do! You just apologize and expect me to forget about it! Well, I don’t. I _don’t_ forget about it. Because you dying is my greatest fear. And sometimes it looks like it’s your goal, rather than something you avoid, like you just don’t minddying and leaving me here.” At those words, Tony just stares at her, mouth agape, not believing what he just heard.

“You didn’t just say that.” Taking a step closer, Pepper looks at him straight in the eye.

“I _did_ just mean that.”

“I did everything to keep _you_ safe! Everything I do is to keep both of you safe! How can you say something like that!” This time it’s him who gets closer, filled with rage.

“Because it sure as hell looks like it! You just keep building and building things that are too big even for you. Something that tends to blow up in your face!” She presses an accusing finger on his chest.

“You are unbelievable. I don’t do this because I have the aching desire to do it! I do it because I want to protect you, because I want what’s best for you and the baby.”

“Well, this definitely was _not_ what was best for us, Tony. What good would a murderous machine do to us? What did you want it to be? A bodyguard that killed everyone who dared to look at me the wrong way?” Instead of trying to calm her down, he replies with as much rage as her.

“You have no idea what you are talking about Pepper. You have _no_ idea. No idea of what’s coming.” Not believing him and his excuses, she lets out a scoff.

“‘ _What’s coming_ ’? Tony you sound delusional! There’s nothing coming. It’s just demented people who try to hurt other people! Something the Avengers can do with their eyes closed!”

“You didn’t see what I saw. Something big is going to come, and I can’t let it happen. I can’t let them hurt you.”

“If this is your best excuse, it’s not working. Because of course you can do all this crazy shit to keep _me_ safe but you can’t just stay away from mortal danger to keep _yourself_ safe! It’s so stupid and-“ Suddenly she stops talking and grabs her belly, her knees wobbling.

“What- Pepper, what is it? What is it, honey” In less than a second, Tony is by her side, holding her still. But once he looks down on the ground, he almost passes out himself. “Oh, _shit_. Pepper- Pepper, that’s- that’s _blood_!”

“Go call a doctor. Call a doctor-“ Not being able to keep her eyes open anymore, Pepper’s sight goes black.

“JAR- FRIDAY call an ambulance now!”


	3. Version 1: Pt.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the 1st version of the story. There's going to be 1 more chapter of this version, the most angsty one, and then there'll be the 2nd version, that only has 1 chapter. So, enjoy it.
> 
> As always, English is not my first language, so all mistakes are mine.

He doesn’t know how long he had been pacing for. It might’ve been minutes, hours or even days, he wasn’t sure anymore. All he knew was that his feet hurt, but not as much as his head or his chest. His eyes were dry from all the tears he’d let run freely down his face.

People kept coming and going, but he didn’t seem to care. His sole focus was on Pepper, thinking about how she could be, if she was okay, if it was anything serious, if the baby was okay. There was nothing else inside his head.

But no one came to talk to him, no doctor, no nurse, no _no one_. He needed to see her, to see _them_ , but no one told him anything, and he couldn’t stand it anymore. His heart couldn’t take it anymore.

“Mr. Stark?” A young woman came through the operating room, her face tired and sweaty.

“Are they okay? What happened? What-?” Putting a hand on his shoulder, the doctor made him stop talking.

“Ms. Potts is stable, the surgery was successful. No lasting damages.”

“And the baby? The baby, are they okay?” The doctor closed her eyes and let out a long breath before opening them back up again.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark-“ Tony took a step back, his eyesight blurry.

“No- no, that can’t be- This is not happening.” Without realizing it, even more tears started streaming down his face.

“I’m really sorry, Mr. Stark. We did everything we could, but it was not enough.” Not being able to stand up any longer, Tony sat sold down on the wall to the ground, where he rested his head over his knees. “You can go see Ms. Potts now. I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you.” With that, the doctor left, leaving him completely alone.

“No, she won’t.” He whispers. Once again he didn’t know how long it had been between when he sat down to the moment he stood up and walked to Pepper’s room.

She laid on the bed, looking straight to the ceiling, just breathing. He slowly walked towards the bed, sitting down on the chair next to it. She didn’t move, like she didn’t even hear him come in. Still, he took her hand in his, not only trying to let her know he was there, but also to reassure himself that she was still there, alive.

“Are you okay?” Pepper didn’t answer, her eyes still glued to the white ceiling. “I’m sorry Pepper. This is all my fault. I shouldn’t- I shouldn’t have pressured you, I should’ve just agreed with you. Because you were right, honey. You were _right_.” He stared at her, waiting for a reply that didn’t come. “Please, Pepper talk to me. I need to know that you are okay. We’ll get through this, okay? You and me. _Together_.”

“I need some time alone, Tony.” His bloodshot eyes stared at her, confused. “ _We_ need some time. Some _space_.”

“Space? What do you- what do you mean? Pepper, what do you _mean_?” He knew exactly what she meant, he just didn’t want it to be true.

“I- _we_ need a break, Tony. I think it’s the best for both of us.” He didn’t say anything for a while, just trying to process what she had just said.

“We can’t- Pepper, honey. We need to stay together after- after _this_. We need each other-” Just then, Pepper took his eyes away from the ceiling to fix them on his.

“But we don’t need this version of each other, Tony. I can’t be with _this_ version of you. I need some time to myself. I need-“ She couldn’t stop the tears from falling any longer, so she just let them free.

“I can’t- I can’t leave you _now,_ Pepper. Not after this. We just lost our _kid_ , don’t shut me out now. Don’t-“

“It’s not your decision, Tony. It’s mine. So please, just go. Please.” He had never seen her beg him for anything, much less something like this. His heart ached, it was shattering, but there was nothing else left to do. He would respect her wishes. He owed her that much.

“I love you, Pepper. Don’t ever forget that. I’ll be waiting for you, as long as it takes. I’ll be here.” When he stood up, he stepped closer and kissed her forehead, cleaning her face from her tears with his thumbs. “I’m sorry, honey. I love you.” Without another word, he left, knowing he just lost the two best things that ever happened to him behind.


	4. Version 1: Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the last part of this version. Next chapter will be the last of the fic, the 2nd version. Hope you enjoy it.
> 
> As always, English is not my first language, so all mistakes are mine.

Four months after the worst day of his life, the accords happened. The fighting. His best friend almost dying. Finding out Barnes murdered his parents. _Civil War,_ the press named it. And through all of it, there was no one by his side.

No one knew what had happened with Pepper, no one knew what they lost. Everyone just assumed she had just got tired of his shit and decided to finally leave him, and he didn’t have the strength to correct them. They weren’t exactly wrong, after all.

He’s the reason for all of it. He’s the one who put her in a major amount of stress, the one who made her have a _fucking_ miscarriage. He doesn’t deserve to have anyone by his side after that, does he?

So he just decided to focus on Rhodey’s recovery. He needed his brain to stop torturing itself, and the best and only way to do it was to create something. So he did just that. It only took him 3 weeks to create and build them. Having so much free time to himself made him work even faster.

But if he was being honest, he was focusing on something else -or rather- _someone_ else. Ever since he met Peter, he couldn’t help but keep an eye on him. He didn’t want to admit it, because it hurt his aching heart every time he thought about it, but he saw him as the son he didn’t get to meet.

He wasn’t brave enough, though. He kept his distance, never talked to him, never called him. He appointed Happy to it. Just knowing the kid was okay, made his heart feel at ease. And that was enough for him. At least for a while.

That changed the moment he saw _her_ again. After almost 8 months, he finally saw her. It had been 8 months of pure separation. No calls, no texts, no nothing. He of course had FRIDAY updating him on her status daily, but that didn’t help at all.

He thought he was doing better, that after all that time he _was_ better, he really did. But when he laid eyes on her again, everything disappeared. She had no idea he was there, he -in theory- was _not_ supposed to be there, and she knew that.

He just stood in place, staring at her, tears threatening to come out the moment she locked eyes with him. But he held it together and gave her one soft smile which she returned. Something he took as an absolute win.

It took another 2 months to see her again, but this time it was her who saw him first. That time it was her who stared at him before he realized she was even there and _she_ was the one that gave him a smile first. Once again, he took that as a win.

2 more months passed, making it a full year he hadn’t spent with Pepper. A _fucking awful_ year. A year he didn’t want to repeat. Especially that day. Because he had not only lost the love of his life, but also the bundle of joy they created together that never got to see the light of day.

That day he just wanted to lock himself in the lab, drink and tinker until he hurt himself for being too drunk. But somehow, he fought against it. Instead he just decided to order a pizza and watch a movie, Pepper’s favorite movie in fact, Pride and Prejudice.

He was 20 minutes in when the front door opened slowly. He didn’t notice, too engrossed in the movie he had already seen at least 10 times. He realized someone was there by the time he felt something move next to him.

When he looked over to his left, he saw none other than Pepper dressed in her pjs, putting one of his blankets over her legs. He didn’t take his eyes away from her as she got closer to him and rested her head on his collarbone.

They didn’t talk, just sat there watching the movie. 2 hours later, the credits were rolling, but no one seemed to move. They didn’t want to break the moment.

“Thank you.” She softly whispered on his neck. “Thank you for waiting. For giving me space.”

“I’d do anything for you Pepper, you know that. You needed space, so I gave it to you.” Also whispering, he placed a kiss on top of her head, smelling her perfume.

“I know it was a bit unreasonable. But I needed space. I needed to get my head straight. To heal, and I knew that if we’d stayed together, it might’ve broken us even more.” Placing one more kiss on her head, he nodded.

“It’s okay, honey. I understand. And I think that it was the best decision. All this time gave me time to reflect. Not just on us but on our future. And I need you to know that whatever happens next, I’ll be here for you. No matter what. You’ll always have me by your side. I’ll be more careful from now on, because I’ve realized that it’s not just me anymore. There’s you, there’s possible future _uses_ and even though I would do anything to protect you, I’ll be much more careful, because I want to get home to you, not just save you at the expense of leaving you alone.” Finally looking up, she locks her eyes with his.

“I don’t know if there’ll be future uses, I don’t know if I’m ready for that. If I’ll _ever_ be ready for that again. You do understand that, right?” Kissing her nose and hugging her closer to him softly, he nods.

“Of course. And I won’t push you. But you will probably have to remind me to put on protection from time to time, okay?” He tells her with a small smile, which she easily returns.

“Of course. I know that’s in my job description. But if for some reason you or I forget, and it _does_ happen, it’ll be okay. I won’t hold it against you. The same as I don’t hold anything that happened against you. Because I know you, and I know you’ve been blaming yourself at some level. But it wasn’t your fault. None of what happened was your fault. It was my body. Things like this happen, that’s what I’ve learned this year. That things like this are no one’s fault, it’s just natural and there’s no way to prevent it from happening.” She caresses the back of his neck slowly, and both their faces start getting closer, their lips finally touching on a much-needed kiss. “Do you understand? It’s not your fault.” Even though he nods, she knows he still blames himself. _Hell_ , even her still blames herself from time to time, but she’ll be there for him every step of the way.

And that’s what she’ll show him.


	5. Version 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it folks. Last chapter of this fic. Hope you like this version.
> 
> As always, English is not my first language, so all mistakes are mine.

He doesn’t know how long he had been pacing for. It might’ve been minutes, hours or even days, he wasn’t sure anymore. All he knew was that his feet hurt, but not as much as his head or his chest. His eyes were dry from all the tears he’d let run freely down his face.

People kept coming and going, but he didn’t seem to care. His sole focus was on Pepper, thinking about how she could be, if she was okay, if it was anything serious, if the baby was okay. There was nothing else inside his head.

But no one came to talk to him, no doctor, no nurse, no _no one_. He needed to see her, to see _them_ , but no one told him anything, and he couldn’t stand it anymore. His heart couldn’t take it anymore.

“Mr. Stark?” A young woman came through the operating room, her face tired and sweaty.

“Are they okay? What happened? What-?” Putting a hand on his shoulder, the doctor made him stop talking.

“Ms. Potts is stable, the surgery was successful. No lasting damages.”

“And the baby? The baby, are they okay?” The doctor closed her eyes and let out a long breath before opening them back up again.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark-“ Tony took a step back, his eyesight blurry.

“No- no, that can’t be- This is not happening.” Without realizing it, even more tears started streaming down his face.

“I’m really sorry, Mr. Stark. We did everything we could, but it was not enough.” Not being able to stand up any longer, Tony sat sold down on the wall to the ground, where he rested his head over his knees. “You can go see Ms. Potts now. I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you.” With that, the doctor left, leaving him completely alone.

“No, she won’t.” He whispers. Once again he didn’t know how long it had been between when he sat down to the moment he stood up and walked to Pepper’s room.

She laid on the bed, looking straight to the ceiling, just breathing. He slowly walked towards the bed, sitting down on the chair next to it. She didn’t move, like she didn’t even hear him come in. Still, he took her hand in his, not only trying to let her know he was there, but also to reassure himself that she was still there, alive.

“I’m sorry, Pepper. I really am.” Defeated, he rests his head on her bed. “I’m really sorry” He whispers to her and himself, making her finally turn her head to look at him.

“It was not your fault, Tony.” Silent tears run through her face and that’s the only thing he’s able to focus on, the pain he’s caused her.

“It _is_ , Pepper. It _is_. And I’m sorry.” Seeing him that hurt, made her heart ache even more if that was even possible.

“Don’t blame yourself for this. It happened and that’s it. It’s no one’s fault, not mine and definitely not yours. You hear me?”

He hears her loud and clear, but that doesn’t make him agree to anything. He knows what he’s done, and he’s not able to forgive himself, so why would _her_? Her not blaming him is nothing more than pure shock. Yeah, that’s it.

“I need you here, Tony. Not somewhere far away in the depths of your guilt. I need you here with me. We need to get through this, but you need to do your part. I love you, but there’s only so much I can do, and in this situation I fear I’m only able to carry my own guilt, I can’t deal with yours as well.”

She makes it pretty clear, and in that moment, letting the guilt aside, he thinks he’ll be able to stay by her side, to support her through everything. And that’s exactly what he tells her. Because that’s what love means, right? You need to put someone else’s needs before your own, and if Pepper needs him there, he will be there. That’s what he thought, at least.

In reality, the opposite happens. His guilt is too big, too powerful. Seeing Pepper suffer was not something that made him clear his act, on the contrary, it made him even more paranoid and guilty.

He wouldn’t leave the lab for days, his mind completely focused on Pepper’s protection, on how to make her safer. In the meantime, she was dealing with the grief all by herself, something that he promised -barely two months back, the moment she was hospitalized-, she wouldn’t have to do.

In a way she wasn’t surprised, he was Tony after all. But she thought he’d be true to his word. This wasn’t some board meeting he agreed to go to but forgot about the morning after, this was their life, their future, their relationship. But no matter how much trust she put in him, she ended up getting disappointed and hurt.

Unconsciously he was separating himself from Pepper. Wether as before, he would spend hours with her doing nothing and everything, now it’d be _days_ before he even set foot on the same room as her. He didn’t exactly notice, but she did. Of course she did.

It had been a specially difficult day for her when she sat Tony down for a talk on one of the living room couches. It’s not that she had been lucky to find him coming out of his lab, it’s that she had been specifically waiting for him to get out. She wouldn’t let him get away this time.

“Tony, we need to talk.” Frowning, he said nothing, just sat next to her. “I don’t know what’s been going on with you these past few weeks, but I can’t take it anymore.”

“What-? Nothing’s been going on.” He fakes a smile that didn’t convince her, at all.

“ _Seriously_? Tell me, when’s the last time you’ve spent some time with me?” Seeing him think about it made her scoff. “One _week_ ago, Tony. Simply because we had to discuss some numbers for the company. You promised. You _promised_ me that you’d be here for me.” Her eyes start to get filled with tears that she lets run free. “You sat in that chair and _promised_ me that we’d get through this together. I get that you are hurting, but you are not the only one, Tony. I lost my baby too.” She looks away as she cleans her face. “I need you with me. I’ve got enough to worry about, I can’t add you distancing yourself to the list.”

“I don’t- I don’t know what to say. I- I was trying to give you some space to- to _heal_.” He doesn’t meet her eyes when he speaks, too afraid to hurt her even more.

“I don’t need space, Tony. I need _you_.”

“But you _shouldn’t_! That’s the problem.” Suddenly he stands up, running his hands through his hair and walking to the kitchen to pour himself some coffee. After a minute or two, she follows him.

“What are you talking about, Tony?”

“You _shouldn’t_ need me, Pepper. Don’t you get it? It’s _me_ the reason why we are in this mess right now. If it weren’t for me and my hero complex, nothing would’ve happened! You would still be healthy, you’d still have-“ not being able to finish his sentence, he chokes on his own tears. “You’d still be pregnant. _Hell_ , if I wasn’t in your life, being pregnant wouldn’t have been even a problem. Everything would be easier without me! Don’t you see that?”

“It’s always you. _You_ and your self-sacrificing actions. _You_ and your guilt. _You_ and your superhero persona. _You_ and what you want. But what about me? _Huh_? Have you ever asked _me_ what I want? What I think? Because what _I_ think is that you are a self-sacrificing, guilty idiot who I can’t help but love with all my heart. And yes, it hurts sometimes. But that’s how I chose to live, and I don’t regret any second of it. Do you hear me?” He still doesn’t get it, doesn’t want to get it.

“I hear you Pepper, but no matter how much you love me, that love won’t stop you from getting hurt. In fact, it will get you closer to danger. Because you are close to _me_. It’s not that _I_ want to make everything about me, it’s just that everything- every dangerous thing is somehow linked to me. And that’s what I want you to avoid.”

He’s getting it all out of his chest, thinking that the more honest he is, the more Pepper will see how right he is and finally listen to him. But in reality, it does exactly the opposite.

“You can’t protect me from everything, Tony! Don’t you get that? I’m a grown ass woman who can protect herself. I’m more than capable of adverting danger when I see it. But you know what I can’t do? Adverting it when I _can’t_ see it. And guess what? You _can’t_ either. So it’s not a matter of wether I’m safer with or without you, it’s a matter of you wanting to protect me from things that are out of your reach. There are things that not even God could protect me from. And _that’s_ what you don’t get.”

Tired from work and their discussion, Pepper just turns around and leaves him there, coffee in hand. Tony just stares at her walk away. His brain might look like it isn’t working, but it is functioning at high speed, processing everything she’d just said.

In the back of his head, there was a voice telling him that maybe she was right. That maybe there are some things that -no matter how good of a piece of technology he builds- he won’t be able to protect her from. And that scares him.

Maybe he wasn’t directly responsible for what happened. Maybe it would’ve happened anyway. Those things escaped his knowledge. Sometimes, when his brain seems to be in a good mood, he likes to think that it was _good_ even, that he was there. That maybe if he wouldn’t have been there, something completely worse would’ve happened to her. But that’s just wishful thinking.

He still doesn’t know the answers to his questions. But there’s one that he definitely has the answer to. ‘ _What should I do now?_ ' And that was easy enough.

He knows where to find her. In moments like this, she likes to go to her old room, where she used to sleep over whenever she stayed working too late back when they were nothing more than coworkers.

And there’s exactly where she is. Her back to him, she sits on the empty bed, facing the window that overlooks almost half of NYC. Not wanting to disturb her, but knowing that she had already heard him come in, Tony sits next to her.

“You know how I am. You know how protective- maybe even _overprotective_ , I am of you and what we have.” His eyes are fixed on the view from the window, just like hers. “And most of the time, my brain keeps telling me that I’m not doing enough. That due to the fact that our lives are much riskier than average, I should do _more_. That just making FRIDAY keep an eye on you is not enough. That there’ll be a day when someone will use you as a bargaining chip against me. And I _can’t_ let that happen.” His hand slowly find hers, caressing it with his thumb. “And yeah, I might’ve overreacted when I said that everything bad happens because of me or that there’s nowhere more dangerous in the world than here with me… Well, I might’ve not actually _said_ that, but I really believe it sometimes. And that’s on me. Because although I might believe it’s true, it not always is. Because sure, 75% of the time, the bad things that happen are my fault, but the other 25% are sometimes _your_ fault.” Turning her head to the side, she gives him a glare that makes him shut up for a second before trying to defend himself. “Come on, don’t give me that look. Maybe not 25%, but at least a 20%… _No_? Well, 15% it is.

Whatever. The point is that we have to reach a consensus here. Because even though I promise you that I will stop blaming myself for everything that happens, you and I both know that it’s not going to be easy. So I promise to try _if_ you promise to deal with my shit from time to time. Do we have a deal?” She can’t help but give him a soft smile at his words before nodding. “And I know it’s too early. That it’s still too fresh in our minds, but whenever you are willing to try again, I’ll be here.”

“Try again? Do you mean-?” She can’t believe what she’s hearing.

“Yeah. If you are crazy enough to want to have a baby with me, then I’m crazy enough to do it with you. But I want both of us to agree to it first, not have it come as a surprise later on. Because I think I’ve had enough of those for a while.” He then puts an arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer and placing a kiss on top of her head.

“Yeah, it might be too soon right now, but I might change my mind in the near future.”

“That’s all I ask”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote 2 different endings to this story, one much more angsty than the other, so I'll make sure to post both of those, giving you some extra chapters :)
> 
> Make sure to follow me on my tumblr: https://tytythepilot.tumblr.com/
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated.


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